In My Opinion
By L.N.P.

"WHAT I DON’T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS"

I don't want any more emails about Viagra, new home loans, FREE anything, guaranteed credit cards and the removing of cellulite by creams and ointments. Who even opens these things? In fact, it's difficult for me to understand why people occasionally tell me that they sent me an email that I failed to receive, while at the same time, the seventy-five unsolicited and outrageously annoying spam emails always manage to get through. And while I'm at it, I really do NOT want any more petitions or pass-this-one-alongs! Usually it's a petition that I'm totally against, which then compels me to engage in a prolonged and time-consuming debate with the sender. But even when it's a petition I might favor on principle, or a sweet inspirational email to pass on to your twelve best friends, I have neither the time nor the inclination to inflict this on any of my best friends. Fact is, I'm not sitting here amusing myself at this computer; I'm WORKING! And anyway, these things go around so often that I never receive only one of them, so just assume I've already seen it, and please, leave me off the list!

Another thing I don't want is another phone call from a machine. It's not even comprehensible to me that anyone would imagine that the recipient of these calls could be so dumb (or so bored) that they'd stand and listen to a recorded message. It's bad enough to receive sales calls at all, but at least when it's a person you feel that someone is just trying to earn a living, so I try to be kind before I say no. But a machine! That's just disrespectful, and an utter waste of my time.

I'd also love to eliminate from my Christmas list anyone who says they'll do something and then doesn't do it. Why not just be honest? If you haven't sent the check yet, tell me! I'm a reasonable person; I know you can't always send the check when I want the check. But don't lie to me, please. And don't say you'll get right back to me when you have no intention of doing it, or even when you have serious doubts. Say you'll try. That way I won't rearrange my plans and sit by the phone. It's just so much more considerate. And while I'm on the subject, PLEASE don't agree with me on the phone and then complain about what I've said after you hang up. If you don't agree, then simply disagree. What I can't take is the confusion that results when you tell me something is terrific, but you don't really mean that; what you mean is that it's not at all terrific; it's exactly the opposite. Seriously, I can take it. We can work it out right then and there. Just don't agree with me when you don't.

Another thing I really don't want is any more whining about the election, or about how bad it is living in this country. For the Kerry supporters out there; get over it! For the Kerry supporters who were so disappointed that they contemplated (or allegedly in one case actually committed) suicide, I can only say they were obviously either idiots, or already suicidal. For those who now "hate" this country more than ever-MOVE! If you want socialized medicine, try Canada. If you like unlimited sex and drugs, sample Amsterdam. For the fans of royalty, you can always try England, or Saudi Arabia, perhaps. And if you really despise imperialism, then you're best off with a third world country. You'll have to learn to do without a lot of things, but you'll never live with the shame of being imperialistic. For the lovers of eastern religions, your choices abound. But a word of caution. You'll need to watch out for their extreme fundamentalists. Unlike ours, theirs will actually shoot you!"

Of course, since it's Christmas, another thing I don't want is the unbridled exploitation of the consumer, especially low income consumers. With every commercial and advertisement pushing massive consumption, and every credit card company luring you into thinking that if you just swipe your card it hardly costs a thing, most people wind up spending far more than they can afford, building up their debt until they can't get out from under the weight of it. I know that spending is good for the economy, but just putting it on your credit card doesn't mean it costs less; it costs ten times more. What I don't want for Christmas is a lot of people sweating in April, and declaring bankruptcy in July.

Every Christmas we are deluged with "Christmas Specials." Now, I know this one is highly debatable, since I assume that kids enjoy many of them, and that somebody out there must think that a very merry Christmas with Clay Aiken and Barry Manilow is indeed "special." But most of them are, in my opinion, not only not special, but barely palatable. There ARE exceptions, and those should stay put. But using Christmas as an excuse to round up some "B" performers and have them sing songs and dance around a tree is really grating. So, I don't want any more specials, unless they're special.

And of course, for those of you who know me well, what I REALLY don't want is the commercialization of what is truly a religious holiday, one that celebrates the birth of Christ. Not just the commercialization, but the nullification of the meaning of Christmas in the name of political correctness. (and I might as well put in a word against political correctness in general. I'm sick to death of it, and do NOT want it for Christmas or any other time of the year.) Many are offended if we even say Christmas; it's Happy Holiday time. In our efforts not to offend, we have stripped Christmas of its sacred meaning. So what I most assuredly don't want is to lose the meaning of Christmas; for some of us, that's the only gift that truly matters.

Send me your opinions at LParis@netlistings.com