In My Opinion
By L.N.P.

Swinging 101

Many of you probably got your first introduction to "swinging" during the recent Danielle Van Dam abduction/rape/murder case, when it was revealed that the little girl's parents, Brenda and Damon, were engaged in an alternative lifestyle that involved sex and drug orgies in their garage. Indeed, it probably struck you as horrifying that Brenda and Damon were "indulging in their usual sex escapades with whomever they happened to bring home and that "while his wife and various women friends took drugs in the garage, Damon had sex with one of her friends." (frontpagemag.com). Naturally their daughter was abducted from their home; how could such total depravity be going on without tragic consequences?

I, too, found myself torn between abject horror and extreme empathy for the Van Dams, who not only lost their beautiful daughter, but who had their private lives on display for all the world to judge. Maybe that's because, through a series of ironic twists and shared confidences, I know a great deal more about swinging, and what is called the "lifestyle," than the average reader. I know some swingers personally. I know who they are to the world, and who they are within the lifestyle community. And I know how careful they are to keep their two worlds separate.

So this column is an attempt to introduce you to the "lifestyle" as it is perceived and practiced by its participants as opposed to how the media often portrays it. There will be no editorializing, no moralizing, no judgments made or conclusions reached. What follows is strictly informational, for those of you who had no idea that such a thing even exists. For those of you who assume that your neighbors: the doctor (accountant, CEO, plumber, policeman) and his (engineer, attorney, waitress, school nurse) wife, are just another monogamous married couple. For those of you who would freak out if you discovered that your child's soccer coach had sex with several different women last weekend, all with his loving wife's approval. Or that the skilled pediatrician who bandaged up your son's arm was on her way to a night of sex with her husband and two other couples, none of whom would sleep with their spouse. And even, for those of you who want to experiment yourselves but never knew how or where to begin. As I said, no judgments. Just some perspective.

Naturally, I did my research. And as with all things, defining one's terms becomes very important. "Lifestyles" and "swinging" are often used interchangeably in the press and media to refer to anything from the official, sanctioned organization to a sex-crazed couple participating in a drug-fueled orgy. And to categorize a committed "swinger" who follows the "rules" in the same way the Van Dams were portrayed is just as much of an affront to them as categorizing every person who is gay as being promiscuous and irresponsible. Because what may be surprising to many is that there IS an official Lifestyle Organization. And the rules for participation are stringent and well-defined.

When Robert and Geri McGinley opened Club WideWorld in Anaheim, California in 1969 it was a private Swing Club. In the sixties, there was nothing too unusual about that, especially in California. What was unusual was that the McGinleys had a philosophy. They believed in individual freedom, pluralism, and in a couple's right to take pride in the expression of their natural human sexuality. This wasn't about flower power and free love. It was the beginnings of a national, multifaceted organization designed to provide information, education, and recreational opportunities to couples who wanted to lead their lives (translation: sex lives) free from religious and political restrictions and persecution. They named their new association The Lifestyle Organization.

Now, three decades later, way after the sexual revolution, throughout the agony of AIDS and the emergence of safe sex, during this era of political correctness and religious and political conservatism, the Lifestyles Organization (LSO, Ltd.) is going strong, with more than 35,000 registered members. When they throw their annual convention, more than 3,000 guests show up to socialize, have fun, buy products, listen to seminars, and wholeheartedly support-and practice-the concept that sex (ranging from vanilla to fetish to groups) between consenting couples is natural, wholesome, and healthy behavior.

So what do couples in the lifestyle, or "swingers" as they are also called, do when they don't have a once a year convention to attend? They lead "normal" lives for the most part; they go to work, help their children with their homework, watch TV, buy groceries, go to the movies. And sometimes they even hang out with their "straight" friends, the ones who aren't swingers. But generally, from what I've been able to observe, the deeper into living the alternative lifestyle they are, the more often they spend their social time with like-minded couples. (From what I have gathered, those with children go to extremes to confine their swinging to times when their children aren't home, or when the kids are home with the baby-sitter and they can go out safely.) And there are plenty of options from which to choose, from intimate at home gatherings, to larger "house-parties," to off-premise lifestyle dances, to on-premise swing clubs.

The one thing that is true about any of these options is that there are always clearly articulated rules, and the rules are all about courtesy, etiquette, behavior, cleanliness, safe sex, and, most importantly, respect: respect for your partner's feelings, for other's feelings, for people's differences, their likes and dislikes. Unlike a single's club, no one is pushy at a swing club. "No" means no at all times (the swinger's mantra) and coercion or even persuasion are taboo. Drug use is not allowed, and heavy drinking is discouraged. It really IS all about the sex, and the freedom to explore and experiment, in the company of your spouse, with people other than your spouse. The one thing it is NOT about is cheating. Everything is honest and open, and both partners have to agree before anything sexual is initiated.

Now, if there are 35,000 registered members in LSO, one can only begin to estimate the thousands of other couples who dabble in swinging. Many may never officially register, feeling the need for complete protection of their privacy; while some may be at the other extreme, using swinging as an umbrella under which they can do whatever they want with whomever they want.

The fact is, there is scant scientific data to substantiate what long-term effect swinging actually has on marriages. Among confirmed swingers, there is a general conviction that swinging has a positive effect upon a marriage. Some honestly believe that sexual monogamy is unnatural, even harmful, often leading to feelings of ownership between a husband and wife. According to them, swinging is a way to help eliminate jealousy and strengthen the marital bonds so that each spouse sees the other as an individual and not as a possession. Many swingers of this philosophical bent incorporate the sexual aspects of swinging into their broader philosophy of communitarianism, which is to share all aspects of life with their fellow members. They are, in fact, "married" to the group.

On the other hand, many swingers participate mostly for recreational purposes; to them it's seen as a social activity much like a night of karaoke or playing doubles on the tennis court. Underlying most swinging, however, is the belief that it is simply impossible for one person to satisfy another sexually over an extended period of time. Swingers often cite the 50% divorce rates, and mock the hypocrisy of the forever-faithful myth of marriage. For them, swinging is seen as the ideal way to add newness, freshness, excitement to their marriage without having to cheat or lie to their spouse. It's something they do together. To be fair, the average swinger does not advocate swinging as a way to save a bad marriage, but they do believe that it can strengthen a good one.

So now you know a bit more about swinging. You certainly know that swingers come in every race, religion, occupation, and income bracket, and that just because your attorney doesn't advertise that he's in the lifestyle doesn't mean he isn't! Condemn it or embrace it, at least you know it's out there. Which simply leaves you free to form your own conclusions.

Send me your opinions at Lynn@netlistings.com