The Way I See It
By Joseph C. Phillips

Old Fashioned Marriage Part 9: A Testing

My buddy is raising his two daughters to be perfect ladies.  He is teaching them to demand not that they be treated as delicate flowers that must be handled with care less they crumble, but strong women that delight in their femininity. To that end he has instructed his girls that they shouldn’t open a door for themselves, should never pull out a chair and should always receive a gentleman’s hand while exiting an automobile.  We all got a good laugh when my buddies wife-- upon hearing some of her husbands dictates, wondered aloud when she might receive some of this treatment.

There are some young men in his daughters’ futures that will no doubt have their work cut out for them. 

My good friend is of course talking about more than just pulling out chairs.  His old school ideas of social etiquette are an attempt to provide clarity for his daughters that men have unique responsibilities in their relationship with women and that one of those duties is to defend and honor womanhood.  It is also a reminder to men that ideas of nobility and chivalry are not anachronisms, but indicators of suitability as a partner.  It is in the best interests of his daughters (and all young women) that they understand that what they have is precious, and before giving themselves to the first knucklehead that comes along they should demand evidence of a mans understanding of his unique role. 

But it is, as the song says, “a different world” and some of the expectations of behavior have changed.   The different expectations are perhaps one explanation for why we struggle.  We enter unions unsure of our roles, unaware of our responsibilities and uncertain of our partner’s suitability.

For instance kids today openly refer to “hooking up,” which is to say physical intimacy without testing; rolling the dice when lives are quite literally at stake.  How does one navigate relationship intricacies when femininity is equated with sexual behavior and men are not required to demonstrate fitness for anything but getting busy?  The rules of old school social conduct provided a way to steer the course through courting.

Court brings to mind a trial and indeed the time spent in courtship is a time of testing.  Ideally it is a time to assess ones knowledge of the unique roles men and women play in relationships. To court carries weight; it implies forward looking -- that the time spent with one another has purpose beyond the moment.  Most importantly to court implies a commitment – not simply exclusivity, but a commitment to certain behaviors and responsibilities.  This is particularly important for women as they carry the burden of birthing children – the consequence of “hooking up” -- and will shoulder the burden alone if they choose poorly.  Hooking up of course implies just the opposite:  Transience; All the goodies with no commitment to anything but the hot and heavy moment. What we lose in moving away from courtship and towards “hooking up” is not only a respect of sex as the culmination of a process of evaluation but we also lose the idea that the negotiation is one a woman makes for her own protection.   The compatibility of two people is not only based upon sexual heat, but upon shared dreams, values and attitudes.

A proper testing increases the likelihood of a loyal and trustworthy partner.

Pulling out chairs, opening doors and the like are small acts that we tend to take for granted.  They are often also evidence of a man’s broader understanding of his duty to defend womanhood and protect the house and home. 

My buddy is preparing his daughters to be scrupulous assessors of manly behavior.  I had better make certain I am preparing my sons to be men.  One of their first lessons is that treating a woman as a lady is not only a sign of respect it is a demonstration of both maturity and manhood. 

Send me your ways of seeing it at Josephcp@netlistings.com