TALES FROM THE BARSTOOL
By: Clint Lien

“My home address”

The following conversation took place at the Lucky Seven Bar nine weeks ago. It was later in the evening rather than earlier - and it was raining.

"You should have a web page," Jim(JP) said.
"You've never been more right!" I answered. "A man in my position most certainly should have his own site - but why and what would I put on it?"

JP - "When you write you're a funny guy (I'm not funny in person) and you've got a lot to say."
Me - "Charles Manson has a lot to say; doesn't mean he should have a web site."

(WARNING: Do NOT go to charlesmanson.com - it's a porn site with so many pop ups you'll have to hire a nerd to regain control of your computer.)

JP - "Yes, but Charles Manson inspired murder. You can inspire people to move out of the fast lane when they're not passing someone."
Me - "Can't be done. Humans, once past the age of fifty-three, are predisposed to driving in the left lane - forty-nine if they're wearing a hat."
JP - "Alright, so start with something a little more manageable."
Me - "I've always wanted to see an end to capital punishment."
JP - "There you go."
Me - "So how do you get a web site?"
JP - "You go to a company that makes web sites, give them money and they make you one."
Me - "How much money do I have to give them?"
JP - "Depends."
Me - "On what?"
JP - "How much they think you know about making web pages."
Me - "So it's like going to a mechanic?"
JP - "Exactly."
Me - "I'll need to take out a second mortgage."
JP - "There is an alternative."

He looked at me slyly.
I bought him a double Glen Fiddich.

JP - "You can hire an unemployed student who will work for happy meals."
Me - "I like happy meals."
JP - "Super-size the fries and the poor sod will give you his cell number. Once you have their cell number - they're yours."
Me - "Where will I find such a student?"

He finished his scotch.

JP - "I might know somebody."
I bought him another double.

Three days later my phone rang.

Me - "Hello?"
Caller - "Is this Cleant?"

The voice on the end of the phone was one I'd not heard before. A Hispanic female. I liked the way she said my name.

Me - "Who were you looking for?"
Caller - "Cleant."

I thought about asking her again, but didn't want to push it.

Me - "This is he."
Caller - "A friend of yours asked me to call you. He thinks I may be able to help you with a problem."

The blood chilled in my veins. I would definitely need to find a new doctor.

Me - "Thanks for your concern, but my girlfriend is very understanding."
Caller - "Your girlfriend - she is a web designer?"

It took a few heartbeats but it hit me - this was the call I'd been expecting. Once I'd cleared up the confusion we got down to business.

Caller - "What is the mission statement of your web site?"
Me - "Mission statement? It's not a UN directive. I just thought it might be a bit of fun."
Caller - "You want a bit of fun - go to Toys 'R' Us. Web sites are serious business."

I started to sweat. I could feel she was close to hanging up.

Me - "I want to end capital punishment."
Caller - "This will be a web site dedicated putting a stop to capital punishment?"
Me - "Well, that's one thing I'd like to have on it. More stuff too. Maybe have some cool sayings - write a few jokes - a picture or two."

I heard a deep sigh at the other end of the line.

Caller - "I will call this number in two days. Have a mission statement prepared."
Me - "What's your name?"

But the phone was dead.

For two days I tossed and turned. I paced and drank. I watched Jerry Springer. Nothing came to me. What was my mission statement? Why did I need or want a web site?

The phone rang.

Caller - "Cleant?"
Me - "Who are you looking for?"
Caller - "Don't play games with me fat boy. Do you have what I'm looking for?"
Me - "I want this page to make me look good - better than I really am."

A pause.

Caller - "That won't be difficult. I'll need nine days."
Me - "I'll Super size the fries."
Caller - "Let me give you my cell number…"

Seven days later the phone rang again.

Caller - "Cleant?"
Me - "Who?"
Caller - "I have the web page."
Me - "You said it would take nine days."
Caller - "Are you suggesting I didn't put enough work into it?"
Me - "I would never make such a suggestion. I haven't seen the page yet."
Caller - "I will put it up for you and email you directions on how to add content. It is all I can do for you."

The line was dead.

I went to the address she told me and sure enough there was the web page. I looked at it for awhile. It looked nice - like a painting. But what the hell was I going to do with it? Adding "content" would require work. I hadn't anticipated that. I try to avoid work whenever possible.

So now I've added another item to my daily "to do" list.
But I've got a web page. I'm a somebody!

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