TALES FROM THE BARSTOOL
By: Clint Lien

"Let's Talk"

It seems this time my column has been dictated to me. There's a war going on and so my diatribe concerning the fluctuating wheat markets in Asia will have to wait.

By the time this one gets on the site the war may already be over. I hope so - but I don't think so.

It's a complicated one and never have I heard so many diverse views on the subject - both North and South of the 49. I usually have no problem knowing what side of the fence I'm on but I have to confess, this time I'm sitting with a white picket fence pole right up my back side. For me, the most interesting situation to develop has been Canada's refusal to support the United States in the campaign. On that there has been no consensus either.

I'm sickened by reports of Canadian politicians making insulting comments about their counterparts south of the border and the American politicians returning the favor. Of course, it makes CNN when some imbecilic hockey fans boo the American national anthem, but it's not reported when the next night the Stars and Stripes gets a standing O. Hate and war make headlines. Peace doesn't.

It seems the majority of Canadians oppose this war - but it's a thin margin. 52% opposing is the figure I keep hearing. Then there's different levels of opposition just as there's different levels of support. Some oppose the war at all levels while others feel it should only have gone on with UN approval and still others say that the UN should have given approval.

Some say we should have supported the US efforts despite the fact that the war wasn't justified, while others feel that the more dead Iraqi soldiers there are the better off we'll all be. So while T-shirts saying "We're proud of you Prime Minister Cretien," are now selling well, I know of at least one Canadian family that made a big production out of the removal of the maple leave flag that had flown in their front yard for more than thirty years. I myself felt pretty good about the decision because I'm unsure of the motivations behind this war.

So Canada, as usual, is divided in much the same way America is. But there are a few things most Canadians do agree on. I'll try to sum them up as best I can. I think we'll find that Canadians are not too far off the American position. The difference comes down to two people - the President and the Prime Minister. It could have gone either way on both sides. If we look at the "official" reasons for this war we have a good starting place to examine this situation.

The current U.S. administration cited several justifications for the war. The phrase "weapons of mass destruction" has been thrown around so much this past year that Michael Jackson is considering litigation. It seems he doesn't like being replaced in the news. The thing is, most Canadians, like most of the rest of the world - including the States, do not, in their heart of hearts, really believe that Saddam has any real WMDs. When it looked like Hopalong George was dead set on charging in there I thought to myself, "He's gonna look pretty foolish when he finds Saddam bunkered down in Baghdad with nothing but his johnson in his hand." No WMDs would mean the war was somewhat premature. It seems someone else thought of this because the spin doctors came up with a cover for that. "Saddam wouldn't dare use those weapons because it would prove he had them." Am I missing something here? If he's too afraid to use them, even when his own home is being turned into a Schwarzenager movie, why should we believe he'd ever use them? I don't think the citizens of the United States believe that hooey any more than anyone else does.

Another rationalization for the war has been that it's simply an extension of the war on terrorism. This one's problematic as well. None of the 9/11 guys came from Iraq. Most of them came from Saudi Arabia. Why don't we bomb those fellas instead? Both Sadaam and Bin Laden are on record as hating each other.

While I firmly believe that, given the opportunity, most Iraqi males between the ages of 13 and 50 would not hesitate to cut my throat, it doesn't mean I believe they actually have the means to do it, nor do I think going over there and squashing a bunch of them is the way to shift that feeling. I know I'm not alone in this thinking. So that's not really flying over here - and from conversations with my American friends, it's not really flying over there either.

The third reason given for the war that's really starting to take off now is Sadaam's people skills. Apparently he likes to rape, torture and murder them. So now this is a war of liberation. Okay, I can work with that, and I think most Canadians AND Americans can work with it as well. It's the one thing everyone seems to agree on. The Great Uncle is a bad man - a very bad man. That's good enough for me. If our intelligence can confirm even half the stories we've heard, we should do everything we can to get this guy in a box as quickly as possible. History teaches that one who rules by fear and intimidation can motivate his people to do extraordinary things. So, as some fools have suggested, his own people may not finish the job for us. Remember when Adolph went into Russian to "liberate" them from the terror-based regime of Joseph Stalin? Now, Joe was another bad man. He killed tens of millions of his own people, but when the well intentioned Nazis came in those dopey Russians put up a bit of stink. They decided that they'd rather deal with the devil they knew than the one they didn't. The Iraqis will make the same decision.

As members of the human race we should do everything we can to eradicate sociopaths like Hussein, but bombing the living shit out of the country is not the way to win friends and influence people - and it's not the way to remove a madman. Here's where the Canadians and the Americans diverge in their paths. While a great many Americans may not be huge Bush fans, they believe in his good intentions to save those Iraqi people. We're just not buying it here in Canada. What a lot of people here are sniffing is an excuse. Bush is absolutely determined to go in there and kick some ass. I've listed some of the official reasons for the war but I think we're all missing something. There's another reason and I don't believe we'll ever find out why Junior really needed to do this. You see, while the "bad man" theory is a fair one, there are a few more "bad men" out there and the President doesn't seem to be worried about them at all. Look at Robert Mugabe. Now there's a mean fellow. This guy is committing acts of horror that would have shamed Vlad. Bush thinks it's unfortunate - but none of his business. Could it be that the U.S. has Wisconsin, so it doesn't need anymore farm land?

Zimbabwe may not hold any interest for the good old boy from Texas because his home state and Alberta can't supply the insatiable fuel appetite of the American machine. And so, maybe this little incursion is all about oil. Nick - a super pro war boy down at the pub explained to me that the war has nothing to do with oil. He suggests that the cost of this desert dance is going to be high. He figures that with the money spent on it they could buy enough oil to keep the SUVs running until there's a black lesbian in the White House. I don't know about that but, yeah, it's about the oil - the oil and vanity. For my money, I think Bush Jr. needs to show up Bush Sr. What son doesn't want to do one up on his pa?

So when Cretien said the Canadians would not be going to war with our friends I, like 52% of Canadians, was proud. But remember, 48% were ashamed. Really, those numbers are not so far off some of the polls I see coming out of the U.S. only with the 52% in support. The difference is almost 90% of Canadians do not trust George Bush. I think if another President were leading this battle then Canada would have sent its four guys over to join in the fight.

America is made up of good people. So is Canada. We can be friends and still disagree. My uncle Otter pointed out that he was fighting the Hun for two years over in Europe before those *&%$#@! Yanks decided to lend a hand and we didn't jump on the Vietnam band tank either. History hasn't been kind with that police action. Will it be kinder with this one? I think history will show that getting Hussein out was good, but Bush's motives were not as noble as he would have us believe. In the end Canada and America will still be pals and my message to my U.S. friends is this - hope as few of you as possible get your asses killed over there and also - please keep your heads on when you're charging in. Don't do anything that will give you moral nightmares later.

Whatever the reason for this war I, like most people in Canada and around the world, hope it is a fast one and as bloodless as possible - but I doubt it will be.

Reactions? Comments? Write me at barfly@netlistings.com