TALES FROM THE BARSTOOL
By: Clint Lien

There's Nothing to Watch

So Sunday night I sit down with a few friends to watch the Oscars. We're prepped for the night. We've got beer and wine, lots of snacks and everyone has put their $2 in the jar and filled out the winner's sheet. It's a tradition we look forward to year in and year out. The difference this year was it took place at my house and I had to instigate a rule previously unheard of. There was to be no talking while winners gave their speeches. I had decided ahead of time the Oscars were going be the subject of my next column - this column, and as I have yet to master my VCR I needed to pay attention to each speech so I could level the appropriate amount of praise or derision on those deserving it. After last year's show I figured this column was going to write itself. Wrong again. Nothing happened. Not a damn thing!

Afterwards we all kind of nodded that as Oscar shows go it was okay. Billy Crystal was on form, as expected, and everyone dressed quite nicely, especially Angelina Jolie, but of course we knew she would. No one revealed any body parts they ought not to have and the five-second delay turned out to be unnecessary. The gathering at my house all agreed that Sean Penn's acceptance speech was the most heartfelt and endearing. It was nice that he pointed out that even a child could see it was presumptuous to write out a speech prior to winning. They've all been in the business for so long they should have those speeches memorized. I've got mine down!

So what we saw was winner after winner walking up to the stage, pulling out a sheet of paper and spouting off a list of names - most of them from New Zealand. No surprises there. No Michael Moores, no Adrian Brodys (but I did like his breath freshener bit), no one arm push ups.

When I win the Oscar I promise you here and now that I will say hi to my mom and dad, promise to have a party for all those who helped get me there and then say something profound and memorable AND do it all without the benefit of pants. I'll be remembered in the coming years, make all the highlight reels and most importantly, give columnists the world over something to write about.

So the Oscars gave me nothing.

Now what? Well, I also took in "The Passion of the Christ" on the weekend. Anti-Semitic? Me thinks they doth protest too much. What it is, is anti-humanity. It's another film demonstrating, with great skill, man's ability to be crappy to his fellow man. The whipping scene goes on for about 97 minutes. I got it after 2 but it gave me an opportunity to get popcorn, use the commode and file my 03 taxes. If you're a Christian I think you'll appreciate this film so I don't give it a thumbs down, but if you're not a Christian and you're hoping to learn something about it you'll have better luck with more traditional sources.

What else did I watch this last month?

I, like twenty million others, tuned in for the final episode of "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé." Oh my god. Let me just say that again - "OH MY GOD!!" I hadn't seen any of the episodes prior to it but I'd read some of the furor in the press. It seems the producers were taken to task for going over the line. I'm constantly hearing about Hollywood going over the line so I figured it was just more rhetoric. I sat back and watched. They didn't just go over the line - they paved it under and built a highway across it.

A month earlier I'd had the sad duty of attending a young lady's funeral. She was only twenty when she passed and she left behind a stadium full of devastated friends and family. Looking at the faces of the bride's family and friends on the TV show, I was struck by the hauntingly familiar expressions that hung on them - eyes red and swollen from crying, numbness and loss. These people were witnessing the senseless death of a young loved one. When the joke was revealed no one laughed. It was sick. The producers tossed out a million bucks and all was forgiven. It'll be interesting to see how they top this one.

Maybe we could have "You're son's been kidnapped by terrorists!" or "My daughter's disappeared from the play ground!" Imagine the zany antics as mocked up pictures and audio tapes are sent to unsuspecting parents! Or how about a weekly show called "Devastated!" Each episode could follow some poor sap around as the IRS took everything he had in the world. They could string it along right up to the point where the guy was putting his head in a noose and then pull the big reveal. What laughs we'd all have.

If you're one of the few who missed the final episode of "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé", I understand they'll be repeating it several times over the upcoming months so everyone can return to the scene.

In short, it was a bad month for TV and movies, and to put the final nail in the coffin of my viewing pleasure I heard the brass has served Joss Whedon and his gang at "Angel" their pink slips. With "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel" off the air I may as well cancel my cable service.

Oh well, ebbs and flow, ebbs and flows. In the mean time they're going to get to know me down at the video store.

Reactions? Comments? Write me at barfly@netlistings.com