TALES FROM THE BARSTOOL
By: Clint Lien

The Fall of the Empire

America is in a rage. The moral underpinnings of society are at stake. Our children are in jeopardy. Something has to be done and it has to be done soon. What is the impending scourge? How is the doom of the nation to materialize? Is it a new invasion of terrorists or a war in a far off land? Maybe it's rampant illiteracy? Perhaps it's the epidemic of obesity that threatens to crush the already inadequate health care system? Prisons bursting at the seams? Rivers of cocaine? Nope - it's none of those things.

No, the real threat to America is naked women and dirty words. Last weekend, during the half-time show at the Superbowl, Justin Timberlake accidentally got his hand caught in a tear-away portion of Janet Jackson's shirt and inadvertently revealed her breast. It was a good thing she had conveniently placed a decorative silver clip on her nipple or millions of young minds would have instantly been compromised forever. Timberlake issued a heartfelt apology. Counseling will probably be in order for the unfortunate young man. As soon as the incident occurred the TV cameras swiveled at warp speed, saving all those football fans irreparable damage. However, Timberlake, standing right there, was exposed to the offending piece of anatomy infinitely longer! The public was outraged. A conspiracy was suggested and a full investigation of the incident was called for. Heads will roll. How dare they sully the wholesome goodness of a football game with so despicable a display of debauchery! Reminds me of the old Paul Newman movie - "Slapshot." Can't remember how that ended.

In the name of research I logged on to a Norwegian newspaper for a full photographic account of the whole terrifying incident. I'm not sure how those Norwegians manage to hold the fabric of their society together. Not to worry though, it'll never happen in the United States. We've got people out there who want to make sure we don't allow ourselves to trundle down that same slippery slope and end up like those Norwegians or other scurrilous European nations who don't understand the dangerousness of the naked body and the insidious damage that dirty words will inflict on their young. It's one thing we can agree on with the Iraqis at least. They don't brook that nonsense either.

Republican Congressman Doug Ose has introduced a bill called the "clean airwaves act." It's comforting to know that the elected representatives are spending their time and tax dollars to save our souls in such a noble fashion. This act will keep the 8 most offensive words off the airwaves (I guess they found another one since George Carlin did his famous skit.) It seems that between the Congressman, who likes to point out that he has two small children and thus a better grasp of what's right and wrong, and Michael Powell, the chairman of the too powerful FCC, they want to see the fines for uttering any one of these 8 dirty words increased from $27,500 to $250,000. Republican Fred Upton from Michigan agrees - "From what I know the public does not appreciate... this type of language, and I don't either." Who wouldn't agree with the Congressman? Nobody actually watches "NYPD Blue" or "The Sopranos" - do they?

I heard a rumor that what they really want to do is bankrupt Howard Stern.

These men must look back at times past when our radio stations and TV networks absolutely sparkled with family goodness - when Rob and Laura slept in full Kevlar armor - in separate beds, and the Beaver would have put pins in his tongue before uttering a profanity - even if Wally and Eddy were teasing him.

Yes the Fifties - the good old days when Joe McCarthy was keeping the pinkos out of Hollywood and the men with pointy white hats were keeping the blacks in the back of the bus. Back then we knew our nuclear arsenal could be counted on because we did regular testing and we didn't go to war - just friendly police actions.

But America has slid downhill since then and after Sunday's football game it slid a little further. It all started when we allowed that pornographer James Joyce to print his smut on this side of the water. Things are out of control and only the righteous efforts of people like Doug, Mike and Fred will put us back on track.

Poets, story-tellers and performers of the world beware - your days of infecting the young in this country are numbered!!

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