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TALES FROM THE BARSTOOL
By: Clint Lien
" 'tis the Season "
Well, it's Christmas again. I realize that I risk
Canadian jail time by actually mentioning "Christ"
during this time but I've always been one to throw
caution to the wind. It was "Christ"mas when I was
growing up and it'll stay "Christ"mas for me 'til
the end.
A lot of people in my life have troubles around
this time. What to buy loved ones - and, more importantly,
what to buy me for "Christ"mas? To help them out
in the latter situation I've decided to surreptitiously
imbed my wish list in this column - watch for the
clues (in some cases I've even provided a link to
make it easier!) and you'll know what I hope to
find under the tree this year.
The holiday season is particularly hard on males.
Men across the planet trudge along with the ever-growing
weight of a blank shopping list in their pockets
(QUALITY HEADPHONES FOR MY
MP3 )
. It's the same every "Christ"mas. We
blow it and then make a secret vow to do it better
next year! Next time we'll keep our eyes and ears
open, jot down the gift ideas and then on Christmas
morning come whirling in like some kind of Santa
on speed with bags full of the perfect gifts! (BIKE
COMPUTER  )
But alas, reality sets in (the reality that we're
all lazy slobs) and each year our gals get last
minute sweaters. To our ladies credit, they actually
wear the sweaters once or twice before putting them
in the Goodwill bag a few months later. As of this
writing (November 30 - more evidence of my last
minute ways) I have purchased one gift for my father
and one gift for my girlfriend's son.
This is an all time record for me. The advance
purchase of these presents is clearly understandable
though. In my father's case I know he won't like
anything so it doesn't matter what I get. He'll
simply say I spent too much and grumble the rest
of the day about how glad he is "Christ"mas is over
for another year. (BIG SCREEN TV
may
as well try) And my girlfriend's boy is ten.
Buying presents for a ten year old is fun. I just
buy things I'd like and I'm good to go. Although
he'll have to wait a few years to watch the box
set of The Hellraiser movies, I know he'll like
them. But what to get his mom? (BUFFY SEASON 7 DVD BOX SET
 )
I called my buddy Trevor. He's been married ten years (a record in my circles) and his wife Kelli is a cool chick who gets along with my girlfriend. I thought I'd see what Trevor was going to buy her and maybe get some ideas. It seems they'd decided that a vacation to Thailand was going to be the present this year and, of course, Kelli was already apprised of it - being that she picked it out. But what about a surprise, I asked him. Surely he planned on something for under the tree? There was a long pause. "It's November 30th. Why would I be thinking about that now?"
"Haven't you?" I asked him.
"Yes," he confessed.
"So what are you getting her?"
"I don't have a clue. It's November 30th. Ask me on December 23rd."
"How about a nice sweater," I suggested.
"Are you mad?! Never buy a woman clothing! Besides, that's what I got her last year."
Trevor would be no help. (ROLODEX)
Some suggest I simply ask my girlfriend what she wants. These people need to up their medication. Asking a woman what she wants for "Christ"mas is straight up confessing to your girl that you really don't know her that well. It's like asking for directions. You're admitting you're lost. Crazy talk!
So me and millions of other men around the world have almost a full month to come up with the perfect gift. Most of us will fail - but we'll do better next year. In the meantime, wool peddlers can count on another good year.
In the end, I'm just happy that I have someone to buy a sweater for.
Merry "Christ"mas everyone!
Reactions? Comments? Write me at barfly@netlistings.com
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