TALES FROM THE BARSTOOL
By: Clint Lien

The Things I Know

We've all heard a thousand times in our lives that knowledge is power, so I sat down the other day and decided I would make a list of all the things that I really knew. I wanted to see how powerful I was. I thought I could come up with a book full of knowledge. I was wrong.

You start out with something simple like 'The sun will rise in the East.' Then your twelve year-old nephew tells you about stars going super nova and eventually blinking out. One day the sun will not rise. We don't know for sure when.

So if we don't know the sun will rise for sure, what do we really know?

There are men in Tibet who spend their entire existences seeking truth, and the best they can come up with is about four items.

If you really examine the things you think you know you have to admit, if you are being completely honest with yourself, you can hardly come up with as many as you imagined, and that most of the things we think we know are, at best, fairly certain things. After all, who can say, without question, that their husbands or wives are being faithful or that their children are not using drugs? Who can say that their neighbors are not serial killers? I've never heard a single neighbor ever say - "I knew it! I knew that guy had bodies in the basement. No one believed me, but I knew it!" It's never that. It's always "He seemed like a nice guy."

I've met lots of people who know that God exists. But then how do you reconcile the Muslim who knows his God exists and the Jew who knows his God exists. I'll tell you. None of them can know for sure, but it doesn't stop them from fervently thinking they know.

So back to my own list. I managed to come up with twelve things. I was pretty happy with that. I had those Tibetan monks beat by eight. Here's the list:

1. A life where you look forward to Fridays and dread Mondays is no life.
2. The sight of old people holding hands is a good thing.
3. Money won't buy you happiness but it will allow you to choose your misery.
4. You can't be friends with everyone. Some people just hate for no reason.
5. People are about as happy as they make up their mind to be.
6. Fame is toxic and the desire for it an affliction.
7. Thin is better than heavy.
8. There's not much of a decision in most decisions.
9. If someone lies to you once they will lie to you again.
10. There may be plenty of fish in the sea but the oceans are vast.
11. Loneliness is as bad as its reputation.
12. You'll never regret keeping an extra sweater in your car.

I reread the list a few times. Slowly, one by one, I reexamined my power base. I found it was flawed. I had to rework it.

1. A life where you look forward to Fridays and dread Mondays is no life. While this may be true for me, I'm sure there are scores of people out there who consider this existence a reasonable one and carry on just fine. Not to mention the people who work weekends. Can't have this one on the list.
2. The sight of old people holding hands is a good thing. Maybe there's someone out there who is repulsed by the vision. They're sick bastards who need to be committed but I'm sure they exist. Down to ten. Maybe I'll send the list to Letterman.
3. Money won't buy you happiness but it will allow you to choose your misery. This has always been true for me but try telling this to some millionaire dying from a painful stomach cancer. If I were struck down by the same disease I'd have to set this aside. Lost another. Letterman is out.
4. You can't be friends with everyone. Some people just hate for no reason. The other day I made the mistake of watching a 14-second clip of a Taliban guy killing a Russian soldier. It was one of the ugliest things I've ever seen. I cannot imagine in a thousand lifetimes ever not wishing a horrible end for that killer. Somewhere there's someone who will hate you. I'm sticking with this one. Holding at nine.
5. People are about as happy as they make up their mind to be. This one's from my grandfather. I think it's mostly true but sadly I have to cross it out because of the existence of those who suffer from some kind of chemical imbalance. I don't think they have a lot of control over their moods. Still have eight - twice as many as the monks.
6. Fame is toxic and the desire for it an affliction. This one feels right but I guess I have to let it go. After all, I'm sure there's someone out there who would like to be famous for the sole purpose of using their fame for the good of others. I don't know of one (did Mother Teresa consciously desire fame?) but I'm sure he or she must exist. Another one gone. Seven left.
7. Thin is better than heavy. Anorexia snuck up on me here, as well as some concentration camp survivors and a whole host of starving people around the world. Flush. Six isn't too bad.
8. There's not much of a decision in most decisions. I'm keeping this one. In our hearts we know what we should do. Stable at six.
9. If someone lies to you once they will lie to you again. It's usually true but I suppose one must allow for redemption. It's gotta go. Down to five.
10. There may be plenty of fish in the sea but the oceans are vast. This is true. In fact, it's impossible to refute. Still five.
11. Loneliness is as bad as its reputation. A pithy little saying that can only be confirmed on a case-by-case basis. Four - I'm now tied with the monks.
12. You'll never regret keeping an extra sweater in your car. Undeniable. The monks and I finish with four each; it's a draw.

What I really learned with this exercise is the only truth I could really be sure about were the personal ones. I could only speak for myself. I read somewhere - I think it was from one of those Monks-that if everyone in the world worried more about himself and less about others, the world would be a better place. I never really understood that before. I think I finally do.

Well, I have to end this now or I'll be late for work. And if there's one thing I know is true it's that the boss won't notice if you work an extra thirteen minutes, but will notice if you're three minutes late.

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