TALES FROM THE BARSTOOL
By: Clint Lien

“THE VOTING GAME”

I'm not sure either of these morons (and I use the term moron with its proper Oxford definition in mind - "one who is a fool") is deserving of your vote. But just for a giggle let's look at the situation. In one corner you've got Ol' GW. His grasp of the English language is a bit shaky but apparently if you come from Texas this is unavoidable. Then in the other corner you've got John Kerry. His wife gets a penny every time you squeeze something on your hot dog and she's got one mean temper but we're looking at her husband, not her - sort of.

So why should you vote for either of these geniuses?

Bush loses a point right off the top for the big one. No - not because of the lies we were all told to justify the war in Iraq. It was the fact that he got caught lying. Stupid.

If someone tried to kill my pops I'd probably do anything within my means to get the guy. I might not even care who got hurt in the meantime, but for heaven's sake I'd set it up so that it looked like I was doing everyone else a favor.

The whole "weapons of mass destruction" was a good stroke, but he knew there were no weapons so why wasn't he ready with a little "evidence?"

"Hey, Saddam, what's this we found the trunk of your car?" Cut to Saddam protesting violently as he's dragged out of the room by chuckling officers. The fact that George wasn't ready with this shows he lacks forethought - even though he had a plan B - "Saddam and Osama are pals and working together."

Ooops. Osama hates Saddam and the feeling is mutual, but any 15-year old with a laptop could have whipped up some excellent photos of the two in all kinds of compromising positions. Why wasn't this done? Poor planning. Make that minus 2 points.

Now let's talk about Kerry's Vietnam service. Plus a point for George! While Bush was busy using his family's influence to get out of going to that hellhole, dopey John was busy signing up. He asked to go!! A president too stupid to get out of serving in that one shouldn't sit in a port-a-john let alone the Oval Office.

And I've gotta give another point to George for the Swift Boat ads. It was after those ads that we went from a tight race to a landslide for the GOP. That means the public bought into that boatload of garbage. The Republicans were actually able to put George's Vietnam choice up against the record of a decorated war hero and surge ahead in the polls. Brilliant. And shame has to be given where shame is due. The Democrats bent over and took it. Do you want a bunch of guys negotiating trade agreements with the Chinese with that kind of gumption? I wouldn't.

Now let's cast back to the last election. The shenanigans that took place at that time were simply awe-inspiring. I think the Republicans showed initiative and ingenuity. When my president is in a competition with another world leader I want him to have the wherewithal to win even if he loses. Another point for the GOP.

I do have to take a point away for all the dead people in Iraq. It's just not cool and it wasn't necessary, but I'm also taking a point away from the Democrats for not pointing it out with enough conviction. In fact that leads to another lost point for JFK's party. The Republicans have gained much mileage out of Kerry's oscillating position on Iraq. It seems John and his playmates don't want to embarrass the president by pointing out why their position changed. My position on Iraq has changed a few times - ever since I learned the President lied about why he sent the young men and women over there. The Democrats could have gained a point here but they let the opportunity go by. They simply do not know how politics in America works.

Clinton gets a hummer in the Whitehouse from someone who is not his wife and that's it for him. The Republicans knew how to work that one. Granted the Democrats don't have their own news network but they could start one. Why don't they? Lack of foresight I tell you. George got arrested for drunk driving and no one ever mentions it! Clinton wasn't even driving during his offense.

I started this one as a laugh, but for some reason I feel like I'm circling the bowl, so let's just add up the points.

I think it's pretty clear; you should all vote for Ralph Nader.

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