TALES FROM THE BARSTOOL
By: Clint Lien

"Joe Schmo"

I don't watch reality TV. I've seen one episode of "Survivor" and only because I was with a woman who simply could not conceive of a Thursday evening going by without watching the show. Since I couldn't conceive of this particular Thursday evening going by without me spending time with her I agreed to turn on the tube. Utter dreck. It was nothing more than an extension of the Jerry Springer phenom. Put a bunch of fools into a stressful situation and watch them make assholes of themselves. They didn't let us down - and the viewers out there haven't let the producers down. We love to peek into the private lives of these pretty people and watch them misbehave. We imagine how we would behave in a similar situation. Would we pass? Would we make our grandma proud? Would we maintain our dignity? I fear precious few of us could walk away from one of these shows with anything resembling dignity.

The other night I was channel surfing with a friend - not the "Survivor" fan. We lit upon "Joe Schmo" I told her I didn't watch reality TV. I could get drummed out of the Writer's Guild. I had compromised myself once before and it had not been worth it. I wouldn't risk it again. She was about to change the channel when the tag line came up - "A reality show, that's not real. Everybody knows except Joe." That caught my interest - and hers. We decided to watch for a moment. There was nothing else on.

In a nutshell the premise is; there's one guy who thinks it's a reality show and eight or nine others who are actors playing the common archetypes of the reality show. There's the virgin, the gay guy, the asshole, the bitch, the stern old guy, the nerd and so on - then there's Joe. Well, his name wasn't Joe. It was Matt Gould. He was a pizza delivery guy who had dropped out of law school, to the utter chagrin of his parents. He was far from the buffed out pretty boy one usually finds on these affairs - average looks and average smarts. My friend and I sat back and waited for the inevitable - for Joe Schmo to make a complete jerk of himself. It didn't happen.

He got in there and tried to play the game. He tried to make alliances. He tried to flirt. He tried to be interesting but did it all with such honesty and integrity I found myself really starting to root for the guy. How do you root for someone who's in a rigged game? You root for him to keep doing the right thing. I've watched three episodes now and the boy simply hasn't let me down. He doesn't lie. He's completely shocked when someone lies to him. He sticks up for anyone being attacked. He cried when his friend was voted off. He even confessed to a girl he tried to vote off and promised he wouldn't vote for her the next time. He asked for no promises in return.

I think Bill Clinton was a good president and probably not too bad a guy. I rooted for him, but when tested he failed. Of course it took nearly fifty million dollars, a rabid dog like Ken Starr and a team of the sharpest minds in the country willing to go into the President's bedroom to finally trip him - but trip he did. I was sad - sad for America. No one looked good on that show.

Now we've got a new President-a new show. He sent our boys into Iraq, he says to find weapons of mass destruction and terrorists. Oops - wrong country. Anyone who was cheering for GW can only look down at their shoes as they amble off. Joe Schmo's a different genre, but still Matt Gould makes his mama proud.

Before I sat down to write this column I thought I'd better check out another one of these reality shows to get some perspective. I chose one called "Paradise Hotel." The damn thing was so convoluted I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on, but it didn't take long to realize this gang had the moral presence of a pit of vipers. There wasn't one character worth cheering for. One girl, Amy, was without a doubt one of the single most vile creatures I've ever seen. She didn't hesitate to hurt when she could. No one was safe. Not only that, but they were all sleeping with everyone else and then stabbing each other in the back in the morning. Did they not realize their parents would eventually see this?

Last night I logged on to a chat room about reality TV. I was sure of what I was going to see. There would be a groundswell of support for our hero Joe Schmo. America would be cheering this regular guy who dropped out of law school, probably because he saw the people around him and knew he could never fit into that crowd - thank god. For the likes of Amy there would be nothing but scorn and ridicule - as she so richly deserved. I couldn't have been further from the truth. It was Joe being ridiculed. He cried on TV. He didn't have the art of deception down. He was weak. They couldn't wait to see him land on his face. Amy, on the other hand, had a small legion of fans. One guy wrote, "She's as ugly as a moldy potato but boy does she have spunk! I can't wait to see her rip someone else a new one!" The end draweth nigh. The Apocalypse is coming.

I think of myself as a pretty moral guy. I like to believe I could go on one of those shows and not be ashamed of the tapes later - but damn, I don't think I could do it with Joe's grace. Eventually I'd screw up. You dangle enough carrots and sooner or later I think I'd bite. Matt Gould has had plenty of carrots dangled in front of him and he hasn't bitten yet. Even if I'm the only guy cheering for this guy (and I don't believe I am) I'm gonna keep cheering, because if this pizza delivery boy can pass through the fire walk then maybe I can.

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