TALES FROM THE BARSTOOL
By: Clint Lien

Coward - 1. A person who shows unworthy fear in the face of danger, pain, or difficulty. 2. A timid or easily intimidated person. 3. One who attacks only those who cannot retaliate.

"Cowards attacked America today." That was the first thing I heard when I turned on the TV the morning of September 11th. "The cowardly actions of these individuals..., We will find the cowards who..." On and on it went in this fashion. There seemed to be universal consent - the men who hijacked those planes and crashed them were cowards. I'll tell you what. See if you can gather up three or four of your best friends and organize a retaliatory attack against the Taliban. You each get a box cutter, some flight lessons and travel papers. Your reward will come in the knowledge of a job well done and a seat beside the deity of your choice. Also you'll get a year or two to really think about it. Line begins to the right.

The funny thing is, there's probably quite a few of us out there who would do it, but I think you get my meaning and you can see where I'm going here. Sun Tzu in "The Art of War" states that one of the most important things to know when engaged in a war is your enemy. Know your enemy.

I was one of the naïve buffoons, who until Tuesday morning, lived in the blissful comfort of ignorance. I didn't know we had any enemies - not real enemies anyway. Americans are thoroughly disliked by almost everyone. A French waiter can be jailed for being insufficiently rude to an American. A Spaniard will deliberately send you in the opposite direction you request. The price of hotels increases in Germany if they know you're from across the pond. I'm aware of these facts, as are most people, but I never dreamed that there was a group out there with the motivation and the means to inflict the kind of damage we have witnessed. It always seemed that the animosity directed towards us was of the same nature we direct towards that rich uncle from Duluth. He's loud, arrogant and pretentious, but he brings great presents and when you get right down to it, Thanksgiving would be boring without him. He's colorful and charming in his own way and everyone knows that if you were in some trouble, he'd be the first to help you out.

But this is different. Myself and the rest of the nation learned that we did indeed have an enemy, a real enemy that hated us and was willing to die in a war against us. So what do we know about this enemy? Not much, but the first thing the politicians and the media wanted us to know was that we were dealing with cowards. I bought into it for awhile. Then I sobered up. These weren't the actions of cowards. These were the actions of highly trained men with the absolute courage of their convictions. The plot was well funded and well planned. The only hint of cowardice I can see in the whole mess is Osama's refusal to stand up and take credit for the action.

But you've seen this cat on the tube and I ask you, does he look like a coward? Does he look easily intimidated? He sure doesn't to me. He looks like one tough son-of-a-bitch is what he looks like. What was the third definition up there? "One who attacks only those who cannot retaliate." These guys attacked the last remaining superpower in the world. We can retaliate and they knew it. They may be many things, but cowards they are not. The politicians and the media do the people of this country a great disservice by continuing to bark out this label. It may even go beyond a disservice. They could actually be responsible for the lives of servicemen with their callous disregard for the truth.

What happens when we stride into a situation and we think we're facing cowards? Fubars, that's what - F*cked up beyond all recognition. Just ask the terrorists who took over flight 93 that crashed in Pittsburgh. You see, I'm convinced that our enemy has made the same mistake we are making. I think that they think Americans are fat, lazy and full of avarice and I'm also sure they think we are cowards. They learned the hard way that we're willing to die for our causes as well, and we don't need a year to psych ourselves into it. We don't even need three days of prayer and fasting. We just need to know that the greater good will benefit by our dying actions and we will charge them with nothing more than our bare hands.

Every single person who managed to get his mug in front of a camera after black Tuesday perpetuated the myth of the coward - with one comforting exception. Stormin' Norman Schwartzkoff didn't call them cowards. He called them "bastards." According to the Cassell Dictionary of Slang, a bastard is "a contemptible, objectionable person." Sounds good to me.

So when we send our boys to the desolate barren hell that is Afghanistan let's make sure they go with the knowledge that the men they face are not cowards, but are, in fact, bastards - fierce bastards who believe in their cause.

My grandfather said to me once that there were two fellows you never wanted to fight - the guy who knew he was right and the guy who didn't care if he died fighting you. These bastards are both, so that means we have to be both as well. We can be both and we can take Sun Tzu's advice and know our enemy. Let's find out what really makes them tick. Who they are; why their hate burns so brightly; what are their weaknesses and what are their strengths. When we know these things we'll be much better equipped to fight them and beat them.

Final thought:
If people really want to show a united America, an America that was not divided or sent scurrying like mice, then pick up the phone and book a flight somewhere. Let's not be cowards.

Reactions? Comments? Write me at barfly@netlistings.com