TALES FROM THE BARSTOOL
By: Clint Lien

Dear Diary

January 6, 2004

9:37 AM
Well another year has gone by and I think it's been a fine one. I'm still alive. That's always a good sign. I'm still writing my column. That means my life of debauchery hasn't rendered me a zucchini yet. I also turned forty and bought a house (pretty much on the same day.)

It's been great owning a house. I don't have to worry about money any more. I don't have any left - nothing to worry about. I may have to change the name of my column to "Tales from the Kitchen Table." Who can afford to go to a bar and pay a mortgage at the same time?

Still haven't submitted my column this month. I hate the sucker to be late. My readers get upset and they all send me encouraging emails to get it in gear. I try to answer every email. Maybe after I answer the seven of them I'll see if I can whip something up. It's just as hard now to come up with ideas as it was when I started this "little bit of fun." I still remember meeting the guy in the Coach and Horses bar on Sunset. "You're a writer? You should write a column for our web site." That was over three years ago. This will be my 37th column - if I can come up with a theme. The house is a bit of a mess. It's distracting me. Maybe if I wash up the dishes and run around with the vacuum cleaner for a bit I'll be struck by some inspiration. I don't want to go to bed tonight without writing the column. I owe it to those seven people.

11:51 AM
The house is spotless. I feel much better, but I still haven't come up with an idea for a column. I'm starting to get bit growly. Lunch time is approaching. Some chicken pasta would be nice. It's impossible to write anything with hunger pains. Oh sure, Dickens and Bukowski went through their troubled times but I bet there was some hyperbole involved. I'll wager neither Dave Barry or Stephen King sits down at the keyboard unless they've been well fed.

2:16 PM
I didn't have any chicken in the house. I had to go to Thrifty Foods. Stopped at Future Shop and picked up the fifth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Lunch was good. I ate too much. Post meal coma setting in. Nap needed.

5:33 PM
Wow. What a nap! I feel like a new man! I had to force myself off the sofa but a quick trip to Starbucks - a double Americana later and I'm just pining to get going on this column. I still don't know what I'm going to write and I'm just bouncing around this room. A nice little run would be a good way to burn off some of this energy. I'm sure I'll come up with a groovy idea while I'm out on the trails.

7:05 PM
Good run. Why do people not clean up after their St. Bernards? That sucker must have eaten enough tuna and lamb to feed one of the smaller African countries. Maybe I should write a column about dogs and the people who don't clean up after theirs? Naw - nowhere to go with that after the seventh circle of hell. Perhaps an episode of Buffy would inspire me!

8:56 PM
Damn - had to watch two episodes! Who was that Dawn chick pretending to be Buffy's sister?? It made no sense. After two episodes I'm just as baffled. That Joss Whedon is some kind of genius. I'd like to work with him. Who am I kidding - work for him. Maybe I should write a letter to his agent and see if he's looking for any writers - or someone to make his coffee. I'll do that now and come back to the column.

10:17 PM
Letter's done. Still no ideas for the column. Maybe a glass of red would loosen up the purse strings of my muse.

10:41 PM
The first glass of wine went down pretty good. I'm leveling off with the second one but I'm starting to get tired now. I never write well when I'm tired and this Buffy the Vampire Slayer thing has me bothered. Maybe I should do a column about Buffy? I'll go downstairs and watch another episode or two. I'll wake in the morning with the column written in my mind. That's ninety percent of the job anyway. I sure do love writing that column.

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