TALES FROM THE BARSTOOL
By: Clint Lien

"The man doth protest too much."

Much has been made of Françoise Ducros' off the cuff observation that Bush is a moron. It hit the news all over the world. Most of the reports simply repeated the minor aid's gaff and commented on how U.S./Canada relations were forever damned. That's a laugh, considering most Americans didn't even vote for the Texan. One respected journalist from the U.K. speculated that the reason the statement made such a splash was because someone finally said what most were thinking. No doubt there is some truth in that, but barring possession of a presidential IQ test, Ducros should not have made the comment.

Can you imagine the beautifully witty retort someone like Winston Churchill would have come up with had someone called him a moron? "I can educate myself, madam. You, on the other hand, will always be (insert insult)." For some reason President Bush never thought to make political hay of the situation.

A glorified civil servant said something she shouldn't have. She's out of a job. Bush is still working. Little damage was done, but some just wouldn't let it go.

Republican mouth-piece Bob Novak from CNN's Crossfire was quick to come in with the brilliant remark, "Canadians are weenies." Then a few days later, being equally constructive, he pointed out that Canada spends about $1.87 a year on their defense budget. "Now who're the morons," he wanted to know. He amped up the rhetoric even further when he observed that the typical Canadian was ignorant.

Mr. Novak wants to know who the morons are now. One need look no further than a recent "simple" survey conducted by the National Geographic Society.

Before I go on I think it's important to say that I'm proud to be Canadian. I'm proud of our health care. I'm proud of our education system and I'm proud of most of our social security programs. But I lived in Los Angeles for the last six years and they were good years. I came to think of myself as an adopted American. I liked America and I liked Americans. I plot daily to return. Having said that, it's apparent to me that the education system south of the 49 does not seem to be working that well.

While Mr. Novak may think Canadians are morons because of their paltry military spending, the evidence is that Americans are way behind the rest of the world when it comes to basic knowledge of this planet. Canadians didn't do a lot better - but they did better. I looked at the twenty sample questions and missed only one. I thought there were more Buddhists than Muslims. Americans came next to last among nine countries. Only Mexico did worse. Americans scored lower than all the other countries on seven of the twenty questions, next to last on two more and third from last on another three. They did not score highest on any single question - nor did Canada, but Canada did place second on three of the questions, missing first by only one percent on two of those.

Participants (young adults) were asked to find the United States on an unlabeled map. More Canadians were able to find the U.S. than Americans. In fact, five other countries were able to locate the United States with greater frequency than U.S. citizens!

Americans beat Canadians on only two questions: "Which region of the world is currently the largest exporter of oil?" Americans beat Canadians by one percent on that one and they beat the Canadians by two percent when asked to locate Israel on a unlabeled map.

More Canadians knew the approximate population of the United States than did Americans. Actually, ALL the countries surveyed did better than the U.S. on that one.

Doesn't look so good for the home team, Mr. Novak. Personally, I look at the results of that survey (www.nationalgeographic.com/geosurvey) and I'm embarrassed for both countries. My pride in Canada's education system is challenged. The U.S. has dumped truckloads of gold into the war machine and yet it didn't stop nineteen highly motivated individuals from attacking and inflicting a one hundred and fifty to one kill ratio. Maybe enough wasn't spent?

I'd say they don't need to spend more. They just need to spend smarter. We all need to get smarter.

Now with the threats to Americans, Canadians and democratic governments everywhere, it looks like Canada is going to have to pony up more sheckles for more bullets - and that won't make us any smarter. It'll hurt our education system. It'll hurt our health care system and will do more damage than any fanatical Muslim. When the National Geographic Society does another survey, don't be surprised if both our scores drop.

I have to wonder what Mr. Novak hopes to gain by this constant assault on the Canadian people. If he were to make such generalizations and insulting comments about any other faction of people he'd be slammed down in a heartbeat. He'd be called a bigot and he'd have his wrists slapped smartly. Look what's happened to Trent Lott.

Who's the moron now, Mr. Novak? In polite society sometimes it's best just to keep your cake hole shut. You may hate Canadians, but just what are you hoping to distract us from while flogging us with your bigoted views?

Reactions? Comments? Write me at barfly@netlistings.com