TALES FROM THE BARSTOOL
By: Clint Lien

"Ask Clint"

I was half way through my column last week when I found out that Esther "Eppie" Lederer, aka Ann Landers, had chosen this most inopportune time to pass away. My topic of conversation this month was to be her column. So then I had to rework the whole damn thing. Very annoying, especially when you know how innately lazy I am. So keep that laziness in mind as you read on. I just don't have the energy to come up with a new topic at this late date.

For the longest time I railed against watching the news or reading the papers. It wasn't that I wanted to avoid the depressing state of the world out there - it was because I didn't trust the media. I still don't. I place most journalists one step above lawyers and one step below politicians. They will lie to further their cause, which is to capture your attention. But after awhile I got tired of being the last one to hear such stunning developments as Angelina Jolie's and Billy Bob Thorton's split up or Sarah Jessica Parker's "situation," and so this last year I've once again begun to go over a newspaper on a daily basis. If one incorporates as much common sense as they can muster and focuses in on what's really being said you can usually filter out most of the nonsense.

During those years of blissful ignorance there was always one thing I missed about setting aside the morning paper and that was Ann Landers' column. I read it, or her twin's, from the time I was a young teenager and it never failed to entertain me. Although I can say with honesty that I have no memory of ever reading a single piece of advice and thinking - "Say now, there's a clever bit of wisdom." I may have, but I have no memory of such an event.

What amused me about the column were the problems and apparent blindness of those burdened by them.

"I think my husband is having an affair with his secretary. He hired her a year ago and... stays late at work... takes on out of town meetings... whispers on the phone... calls in the middle of the night... Am I being paranoid? Should I confront him?"

To Ms. Lederer's credit she never used these fools as obvious fodder for her mill. She answered each problem with dignity and consideration, even though she was a bit limited in her responses. She had about four or five pat answers in her repertoire, one of which she would choose to apply to the situation.

Her most popular piece of advice was "seek counseling" - which was, in my opinion, the best and most obvious route for the majority of these folks. What Ann didn't address (to my knowledge) was the fact that over forty million Americans are without any kind of health care and could no more afford to see a counselor than they could afford imported beer or a double wide. Her backup to that plan was, I believe, talk to a priest or rabbi. She assumed you had one. He'll explain why bad things happen to good people. Apparently it's god's will. I prefer the Buddhist line "life is suffering" so get over it.

If I had Ann's job I, also a firm believer in economy of effort, would rely on a set of pat answers as well.

For the woman concerned that her husband was stepping out I would have this to say, "No, you're husband's not having an affair. He's planning a massive surprise birthday party for you. Put your head back in the sand. It's awfully bright out here."

I often wondered how people would react if they saw themselves in those letters. Some folks really came off looking pretty crappy.

I recall, some time ago, a groom calling up an uncle, or some such relative, and asking him to buy a washer and dryer as his gift for his upcoming wedding. I guess the uncle was no millionaire and found the request a bit much. When he talked to the boy about it, things got ugly. The uncle felt badly and wanted to know what to do. My advice to the uncle would have been for him to send the kid a washer and dryer. He should have dropped a clothes pin and a metal ring (washer) in an envelope and sent it to the pecker head. "Here's your washer and dryer. May it bring you years of happiness."

I don't recall Ann's response but I'm sure it involved communication and understanding. Did the nephew ever read the column and see himself? Did he realize that he was the bad guy in that movie? What could possibly have been his side of the story? I sure would like to hear that one.

(And incidentally, there should be a daily column for readers to respond to these people. I suspect that would provide even greater entertainment.)

So now that Ann's position is open and, while I'm sure there's a long list of relatives standing in line to claim the throne, I'll throw my hat into the ring. I'd like the job.

I'll even give them a taste of my top ten responses. They would read as follows:

1 Get out of there and leave nothing but skid marks.
2 Kick his/her ass out of there and leave nothing but boot marks.
3 Tell them to lose your number and never darken your doorway again.
4 Tell him/her they're too young and they'll do as they're damn well told until they can afford their own place.
5 Tell him/her that he/she has two weeks to find a job or there'll be no wedding.
6 It's a scam, darling. As soon as you give it - he'll be gone. It's not true that we lose respect for you in the morning. It happens much sooner. It's generally gone within a minute or two of getting what we want. If he's not willing to wait - he's not worth giving it to.
7 Yes, your son is doing drugs. If you're inclined, get him into a treatment center but, if you're one of those forty million Americans I mentioned earlier, get out your check book and be prepared to sign your name many times until you finally write one to the funeral home. Few people get out of that life and it's more likely they'll just drag you down with them. If childbearing is still a possibility for you, then I suggest kicking the defective unit out, converting his room into a nursery and taking another stab at it. You have a much better chance at a happy ending and the "tough love" treatment is just as likely to clean up the first one as anything.
8 Tell the neighbors you will kill their dog if it ever wakes you again. Don't bother with the police. They have far more important things to do. But don't really kill the dog. The threat should work. If it doesn't - go on the offensive. Buy some rap music. Turn it up.
9 Keep your nose out of it. Your mother/father can do whatever they want and date whomever they want. You're just worried about your inheritance. Rotten kid.
10 Stop sweating the small stuff.

In the mean time, while I'm waiting to hear when I start my new position, if you have any problems and you need advice, go ahead and send them to the following email address:
whogivesashit@noonecares.com

Remember, life is suffering. Get over it.

Reactions? Comments? Write me at barfly@netlistings.com