TALES FROM THE BARSTOOL
By: Clint Lien

The Land of the Behemoth

I just went to the mailbox to find the June issue of "Triathlete" magazine waiting for me. It's a special swimsuit issue. The pages are filled with beautiful young athletes showing off the latest in training and racing apparel. They're also showing a moderate amount of skin. As my father would say, "good breeding stock."

Despite the fact that it's about 80 percent less risqué than its more famous counterpart over at S.I., I can already anticipate the boatload of mail they're going to get from angry readers who will accuse the staff of demeaning women and causing irreparable damage to their sons and daughters who don't understand why they don't look like the people in the magazine. Counseling will be needed so that young Bertha won't be ashamed of her body when she goes to the beach, or has to take up two seats on the bus.

The editors of this fine magazine don't need me to warn them about the impending attack. They knew ahead of time. It's politically incorrect and they did it anyway. Good for them. But I'd suggest they hire some temps to handle the increase in the mail room.

Every time you open the newspaper today there's a new study telling us we're getting fatter. We're becoming a nation of hippos. There's also substantial medical research verifying the high cost of obesity-both personally, and on the nation's healthcare system. Being fat is LOUSY for your health! And we know we're getting fat. A week doesn't go by without at least two books on the best-seller list promising weight loss in record time. So we don't want to be fat. Still, we're getting fatter and nobody is supposed to say anything about it.

I read some time ago that an advocate group for obese people was lobbying McDonalds to make their chairs larger and more comfortable. I don't even have to try to be funny when there's shit like that going on in the world. Why aren't they lobbying the local YMCAs to widen the doors and lower the rates?

And magazines like "Triathlete" will take it on the chin when they glorify the body beautiful.

We're told we're not supposed to make Fat Sally and Giant Jimmy feel self-conscious about their body types. Body types - that's what they say. This somehow adds to the perception that this is a "type" of body one can have, just as one can have a fit body type.

Of course, we all know that for many it's a thyroid problem. How many times have you heard that? But have you ever stopped to wonder why people in developing nations don't have thyroid problems? They just have food problems - as in not enough.

Last year I ran into an ex-girlfriend. I'd put on about forty pounds since I'd last seen her and was now wearing my shirts outside of my pants to try to hide the fact. It's kind of like a comb over. Everyone knows what you're doing but most don't have the stones to point it out. Not this girl. She took one look at me and shrieked, "Oh, my god! You're a whale!!" I started exercising the following day. I'm not a whale anymore.

Some people can eat like truckers and look like marathon runners. I hate those people too. But most people, when they eat like truckers, look like truckers.

So I think maybe it's time we tried a new approach, because the one we're using now sure isn't working. Instead of concerning ourselves when "the offended" rail against the magazine editors and Hollywood directors for traumatizing their children, maybe we should think about traumatizing them a bit. Instead of canceling their subscriptions to "Triathlete," let's suggest that they try cutting a few of the pictures out and pinning them to the refrigerator. Not to make them feel bad. To make them healthy. To inspire them.

And please, spare us both some time and aggravation - I know that you don't have to be model-thin to be healthy. I'm talking about the heifers out there. I'm talking about the 200 pound twelve year olds who can't negotiate a flight of stairs without stopping mid-way for a snack. Humiliation is one of the most scarring things that can happen to a child - but obesity is one of the most deadly.

And to the editors of "Triathlete" - keep up the great work!

Reactions? Comments? Write me at barfly@netlistings.com