TALES FROM THE BARSTOOL
By: Clint Lien

I've been hired to write a movie called "The Fear III - the Resurrection. " It's the continuing saga of Morty, a wooden man who can look into your heart, learn your deepest darkest fear, and destroy you with it. Needless to say you won't see Brad Pitt or Julia Roberts in this one, but it'll be the kind of movie you loved when you were in college and I'm having a ton of fun writing it.

One of the first things I did when I got the job was to ask the gang at the bar what their fears were - what were they really afraid of. What I learned was people don't want to tell you what they're really afraid of. They'll lie to you, but after enough alcohol sometimes they'll come up with something mildly interesting. Here's what else I learned:

Most fear can be divided into a few different categories. There's a fear of things that will kill you or hurt you and a fear of loss. The next time you're sitting around with a bunch of friends ask the question - see if their fears can't be put into one of those categories. I would suggest that those afraid of heights are really afraid of the sudden stop at the bottom if they should happen to slip. A lot of people are afraid of snakes. Like those afraid of heights, the fear is a rational one. Snakes move fast and they hurt like hell when they bite. Some will even kill you. Fire is hot. More crimes occur in the dark than they do in the light. The idea of losing a loved one or going to the bank one day and finding youÕre broke are both things that make for a bad day. Most fears are rational.

One woman I spoke to was afraid of water. She didn't even like to drink it. After a little conversation, it turned out she had almost drowned as a child. She never got over it and to this day the sight of a few drops of H2O and she gets nervous. She could obviously use some serious therapy, but at least her fear is understandable. These are the things people threw at me when asked. It was the same things again and again. But there was one I didn't expect to hear and was surprised at how many times I did - "I'm afraid of growing old alone. " I'd wager I wouldn't hear it as often if I had asked the same question in any number of small town bars as opposed to the L.A. pub I was in. So I had a good little list of things I could work with for the film, but once the idea is planted it's hard to stop working it over in your head.

What about the most debilitating fear of all? That fear that stops us from succeeding - the fear that stops us from even trying - the fear of failure. Not one person I asked said they were afraid to fail, yet I would argue that most of us suffer from this one to some degree or another and I would say that most of our unmet desires come about as a result of this fear. If we weren't afraid to fail - or at the least put our best efforts out there despite that fear, then our potential would be limitless.

A few days ago some kids were skateboarding out in front of my place. I was quite the little skateboarder twenty-five years ago. I could jump things, spin, ride down stairs. I could do almost anything with four wheels and a plank. I'm still in pretty good shape. I work out four or five times a week and even though it had been more than two decades since I'd stood atop a skateboard, I figured I could at least go in a straight line on a smooth surface. I asked one of the young fellows if I could give 'er a spin. He was dubious and made me sign a liability release before allowing me on the thing. After the prerequisite papers were filled out I mounted the beast and prepared to dazzle the gang with my brilliance. I lack the literary skills to adequately describe the absolute paralyzing fear I felt the moment both my feet were off the ground. Suddenly the firmness of the pavement was the most real thing in the universe. The vision of my feet in the air and my noggin bouncing two or three times with dull thumps became as vivid as my first kiss.

But it wasn't my age or the years between rides that crippled me - it was my fear of falling off that damn thing that did it. Fear stops us from doing so much. I fear people won't like my writing. It stopped me from writing when I was younger and, even after I got over that, it stopped me from letting people read what I wrote. The fear of failing - the fear of falling off the skateboard. As usual, I offer little in the way of answers - just questions. Imagine all we could accomplish if we weren't afraid of falling off. It doesn't matter what you do, just do it unsparingly and do it without fear.

On another note:

I'm still getting mail on my column I wrote last January titled "Stephen King Sucks. " Most of the mail can be filed under one of two categories - the writers either thanked me for defending Mr. King or they waxed eloquently on how much they hated him. The best letter in the latter category was three pages long and listed all the reasons why it was proper to hold the writer from Maine in disdain. The letter wasn't signed, but the writer proved my point beautifully. That point was - we tear apart our heroes if they ever let us down. The one reader who really understood the column was a twelve-year old girl named Sara. She wrote to tell that she knew how I felt. Last year Sara and all her friends really liked the Backstreet Boys but this year they liked 'N Sync. Sara still liked the Backstreet Boys and many of her friends were giving her a hard time. The Backstreet Boys were yesterday's news. Sara understood the column.

Thanks for all the comments. They make writing this column a pleasure. I would also like to especially thank all the people who sent me kind words in regards to my Grandmother's passing.

Reactions? Comments? Write me at barfly@netlistings.com