TALES FROM THE BARSTOOL
By: Clint Lien

Looking Back

This is my 18th column for the Netlistings folks and I think such an auspicious number calls for a celebration - a retrospective if you will of the last year and eight months (I missed two submissions). I'm thinking something like one of those episodes of "Happy Days" where the gang all sit around Arnold's and reminisces about their zany adventures in the past. Of course, this is done to fill the episode requirements and save cash. Being that I'm in an economy of effort mood, I'm going to do the same. Sitting in an airport bar waiting for a delayed flight by myself isn't as much fun as a booth with Pinky Tuscadaro, but it'll have to do.

Initially the idea behind this column was that I would write a monthly piece about my journey through the film industry - a Canadian's perspective on living in Los Angeles. I've managed to keep the monthly commitment for the most part, but I've strayed well off the preordained path on subject matter. I've been fortunate that my editor hasn't held me to the original agreement.

I'm also fortunate my editor is a firm believer in the first amendment. Censorship sucks and I've not had to deal with it here, but judging by some of my readers' responses, many wish I had. And I'm most fortunate that my editor, unlike me, can actually spell. Since starting this column the biggest surprise for me, beyond the fact that people actually read the damn thing, is the venom I receive from those who disagree with my take on certain subjects. I suppose I shouldn't blame them. I prefer to remain comfortable myself. I don't want anyone messing with my death penalty stand. If someone comes along with valid counter points I find it easier to write them off as fools, misguided, or Texans. Having ones belief structure shaken is a somewhat unpleasant experience.

My 5th column "In God's Image" got some people really pissed. Apparently there's a special spot in hell waiting for me because I thought God should be feeling a bit silly at how his creation turned out. I mean, face it, there's lots of room for improvement, considering the fact that we were supposed to be made in his image. One pleasant woman told me that I was "probably one of those Christ killing Jews who's controlling Hollywood and the media." How does one respond to that? I can't control the family cat, let alone Hollywood. I think a special government agency should be set up to compile a list of such people and make sure they never leave the country. We would have to utilize some kind of implanted tracking device that would sound the alarm whenever one of these dopes draws near a border.

Now some would argue that we should just let them go, but not let them back in. It's an idea with merit but it is neither responsible nor ethical. We cannot foist our fools off on other countries. We have to keep them under watch and make sure they don't exacerbate the myth of the ugly American any more than they already have. If we kept this small percentage of the population under watch, sort of like how you keep your eye on the cousin who wears the hockey helmet, that unfounded myth would disappear within a generation or two.

In the end though, I must take comfort in the fact that most of the email expresses satisfaction and/or agreement with my columns.

This was not the case with my 3rd column, "Stephen King Sucks," which has generated more mail than any other and continues to generate. It seems I failed to nail my point on that baby. I was not trying to make a case for the literary merit of King. I was trying to point out how it seems that we like to lie in wait for our celebrities to stumble. When they do, we fall upon them in blood-thirsty hoards and tear them asunder. I used Stephen King as an example and the mail I received fell into one of two categories - with one notable exception. People wrote to tell me King was brilliant (my stand) or that he once was brilliant and now deserved to be placed in a deep dark cell because he no longer fed their desires. The funny thing is they didn't get my point, but they made it beautifully. One young girl did get it and I summarized her note in a subsequent column. Look it up. I'm not going to do it again.

I really enjoy getting reader's email. I respond to all of them - except for the ones from the dopes. Those I pass along to my cohorts who are controlling the world. But I do get a fair bit of mail with repeating questions. I'm thinking a short FAQ, if you will, may save some readers a little time.

Well, they just called my flight. This has been fun. Keep the mail coming and maybe I can fill another column without actually having to think.

Reactions? Comments? Write me at barfly@netlistings.com