TALES FROM THE BARSTOOL
By: Clint Lien

"In God's Image."

We're not supposed to talk about religion or politics with strangers. Some people won't talk about either with anybody. I'll talk about anything with anybody. I especially enjoy talking religion with people who are of strong faith and have a fair level of knowledge on the topic. No one has ever been able to answer all my questions but sometimes you get an interesting new perspective on an old line of thinking and I almost always get a good chuckle. There is one thing, though, I can't seem to get a handle on.

I've been told it's wrong to question the will of God, yet I can't help but question some of the choices he made. The most puzzling to me is the whole issue of man being created in his image. If I were God I would never have admitted that man was made in my image. We have got to be one of the most repulsive life forms on the planet. When the dinosaurs went out they hardly left a clue as to the reason they bailed. By the time we've checked out there'll be enough clues to piece together how stupid we were for eons to come!

We're busting at the seams and most of the planet still doesn't bother with birth control. We make our women feel so bad about the way they look that they'll cut open their chests and put plastic bags full of a substance originally designed to kill cockroaches inside of them .

And why won't people in Los Angeles use their turn signal? I would think that an entity created in the image of an omnipotent being would know that it is better to use your turn signal than not to.

We've pumped so much poison in the air that the weather is changing and still people insist on driving three blocks in a crappy old Datsun that pushes more blue than Picasso, just to pick up a quart of milk and a six pack.

We are the life form responsible for creating "Cop Rock" and millions of us bought a "pet rock." What other living thing could possibly have come up with WWF wrestling - and then find an audience of millions for it? Man, I tell you, only man. The 1990s saw the invention of the boy bands and almost a decade later they're still the biggest thing going. To my own shame I actually find myself humming along to the forgettable songs that have flooded the airwaves. They give it to us and, after awhile we request it. And look how many people thought communism sounded like a practical idea. We are supposed to be the intelligent species. I just don't see it.

You're probably asking yourself why, if I'm talking about how ridiculous we are as a species, I'm not bringing up the obvious idiocies - war, drugs, guns, the guillotine, etc. etc. Sure all those things are foolish, but they won't lead me to where I really want to go, and that's the ultimate demise of humankind. It seems to me that of all our flaws - the seven deadly sins, our violent nature, our intolerance and our fear - of all these things and more, our single greatest flaw is our innate desire to leave a mark on society. I think the world would be a better place if fewer actually did. Since most of us can't write music like Beethoven or paint like Van Gogh, we do the next best thing - procreate in the hopes that our children will leave the mark for us. And many of the great "mark leavers" of our history were also proficient procreators as well. Between Jefferson and Bach you could have fielded two soccer teams.

While I know the order to be fruitful and multiply, I think it's time to take a close look at that. Does anyone really doubt that man will destroy himself? I don't believe that we'll blow ourselves up or that a disease will wash over the lands and wipe us out. I don't believe a rock from outer space is going to crash into us and end humanity. But I do think man will be long gone before the sun blinks out and I don't think we're going out quickly - mercifully. I think we'll go out slowly - painfully. I think we'll over-populate this little rock and destroy the air, land, and water to the point where we eventually get so sick and malnourished, that our ability to procreate will be taken from us.

It's not all bad news though. Despite the best efforts of man, the earth will recover from our abuse. We can pave the entire surface, fill the air and the oceans with the most deadly of poisons - of course we've already begun this, and still, with one tick of eternity's clock, the place will be thriving again. The lands will be green. The air will be clean and, to the relief of the still living creatures, man will be no more.

So I guess what I'm saying is, it doesn't really matter. We'll do some real damage but the blue marble will recover. The point is, it's kind of embarrassing to be a member of the human race and if it's embarrassing for me, what must it be like for God? He's got to be humiliated.

The dopey thing is, according the literature, God knew we'd pull all this crap ahead of time and still he fessed up to using himself as a model. Bad move. He should have said that man was made in the image of some bit of bacteria or a virus from a far off solar system. We came here, ran our course and then died off. We just haven't gotten around to the dying off yet.

Yeah, if I were God I would have said that the eagle or the dolphin was made in my image. Eagles and dolphins are not going to be the creators of their own destruction.

Reactions? Comments? Write me at barfly@netlistings.com