TALES FROM THE BARSTOOL
By: Clint Lien

"Just call me King."

When the people of this planet come to their senses and make me the omnipotent ruler of the universe, I shall decline with thanks. I will, however, accept the responsibility and burden of ruling North America. There's a few things I'd like to see done. A few changes. When my time comes I won't allow the power to corrupt me, but I will ask that you all simply call me King. I've never had a good nickname. I've always wanted one. King is a good nickname.

So, there's going to be some changes made. These changes will not suit everyone. Certain lobbying groups are going to be unhappy. Some folks are going to have a tough go of it. Oh well, their fathers should have warned them, as mine did, that life, in all likelihood, would not be fair.

First of all - the important stuff and then some minor changes.

Holding up traffic in the fast lane will carry severe penalties - and I mean severe. Perpetrators can look forward to heavy fines and/or prison time. I'm not above public floggings but I'll be a patient king. I'll see if a smack in the pocketbook or a month or two busting rocks in the hot sun will do it first.

Cars pushing huge plumes of blue smoke will be pulled over, booted, towed and crushed. No fines, no penalties, but the drivers will have to find their own way home. Some will argue that this is unduly hard on the poor. I've even been told it's a subtle form of racism. You can call it child pornography, I don't care, but the oil spewing vehicles are gone.

In keeping with the traffic theme, horn honkers beware. Sensory devices will be placed in all vehicles. If someone uses the horn for anything other than its intended use, which, if you don't know, is to alert someone of an impending calamity, a solid electrical shock will be delivered to the backside of the honker. Imagine the drop in sound pollution levels for New York City alone. It'll be beautiful.

Then there's a little matter of grocery store express lane etiquette. If you can't count to 9, 10, 12 or whatever the number on the lighted sign says, then be prepared to face some consequences. For a first time offense you will be removed from the line. The removal will involve horn blowing and general humiliation tactics. From there you will be placed in the "associate-in-training" line. Should you find yourself again with too many items in the express lane you will face "reeducation". This will mean a one-week boot camp of sorts, where you will spend 12 to 14 hours each day demonstrating that you can count to a minimum of 20. There will also be secondary courses dealing with methods of having your money out and ready.

When these four simple plans are put into action our world will be a better place in which to live. Our stress levels will be lower, which any doctor will tell you is good for you. This in turn will lower our health care costs. More of us will be on time to meetings and thus our productivity will increase. This will be good for the economy. Except for the terminal transgressors these rules will benefit all - and let's face it, the people who break these rules with regularity are either fools or terribly inconsiderate folks. We will suffer neither.

Of lesser importance, but worthy of some attention nonetheless, is the state of health, justice, education and taxation.

I'm going to merge the Canadian Health Care system with the American Health Care system, which isn't really so much of a system as it is a philosophy - don't get sick unless you're rich. There's lots of details to work out but basically the Canadian mothers will no longer be rushing their kids to emergency every time they sneeze and American mothers will no longer worry about taking their children to the doctor if bones are protruding where they ought not to be.

Because I'm basically lazy by nature I'll not bother myself too much with the justice system. I know it's in a terrible state of disrepair, but I'll be pawning the job of reforming it on to someone else. The new captain of the system will be television producer Bill Kurtis. He makes those shows like American Justice and Investigative Reporter for A&E. He'd probably turn down the job, but I'll be the one with the gold hat so he has to do what I say. He's got a better grasp of what's going on out there than any federal lackey who's golfed away the job over the last hundred years.

Education. That's a tough one. Before September 11th I would have said take about ten percent of the defense budget and put it into education. Of course, that was before. Things have changed now. I'll need access to the "second" set of books. The set the public has never been allowed to see. I will find the money. One thing I know for sure - taxes are going to plummet. You earn money - you get to keep it.

Say goodbye to the IRS and Canada Customs. A skeletal crew will simply monitor the collection of a flat tax. Something reasonable like fifteen percent. Many former employees of those offices will be put to work in my "re-education" camps for express lane violators.

Just as an afterthought, the embargo against Cuba will go. The big boys' pissing contest is getting old. It started out righteous but rigor mortis has set in.

So there you have it. Ask yourself. How will you fare in my new world order?

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