'Loose Talk'
By Benjamin Benedict

Fashionista

You have to be of a certain shape, size and posture to wear clothes well or at least clothes, which are termed ‘smart’.

I have a friend who is a businessman, but just can’t wear a suit. The arse comes out of the trousers along with the shirt. The tie is a noose and the jacket more of a half closed theatre curtain. He looks smarter in sports wear and trainers, and that’s what he wears when he can.

It has a lot to do with ‘the cut’, and I must say that only the Italians and the British (and maybe certain tailors in Hong Kong) have any idea of what a man’s suit should look like. No matter the high or low lapel, single or double breasted, single or double vent, trouser cuffs or not, tapered or straight, if it comes from anywhere else, it looks like cardboard or a sack of potatoes. But with linen suits, even if they are custom made in London’s Saville Row they will be as crumpled as a pair of tarts knickers in less than half an hour. They say that’s the look.

But who cares what a suit looks like, why wear it anyway? The only reason that I can think of is pockets. If not for pockets, then maybe we would all be walking around looking like Captain Kirk. You have to have pen and paper, and a handkerchief, and a mobile phone. Money, we’ve had to carry these metal lozenges around since BC, as well as the ubiquitous credit card and in certain parts of the world your ID or drivers licence. Ahh keys, I have forgotten keys and business cards of course.

 I love it when the fashion for casual clothes calls for jacket pockets. My trousers only carry what is already there and I don’t care if I’m in fashion or out, but if it’s not in fashion, then you can’t buy it. Their idea is that, ‘this is the fashion. You want to wear it, you are going to wear it, and presto, just as we said it is ‘the fashion.’ I laughed like a drain when about a year ago, they said that grey was the thing and it turned out that no one would wear it. Serves the Nazis right I say and good on you, John Public for hanging them out to dry. Pity you don’t junk anything with a designer name on it too.

Women’s fashion I will leave alone, except to say that what you see on the catwalk is not what you see in the shops. Fashion shows have gone the way of conceptual art. You just think of something ridiculous and max it. It’s fun with hats and can be with shoes, but unfortunately where limbs are involved a certain practicality is required. ‘If limbs are a problem,’ I hear them say. ‘Cut them off.’ And on mannequins, a lot of the time they do.

You would have thought that sport, where form must follow function, would be above all this but you have guys wearing peaked caps backwards, and women running in super tight bikini bottoms. Then again, pro golfers must wear slacks or plus fours and only women can wear shorts. Back in the sixties, men’s soccer or tennis shorts were so tight that they put the family jewels at risk, now they can be so lose and long that they might trip you up.

 High on my list of sporting memories is the Hellenic blonde competing in the Wimbledon tennis championships in a sheer, white cat suit. It was banned after the first outing. ‘But why?’ she asked. ‘All you said was that it had to be white.’

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